


This silence speaks about regret

by Dutchiedragon



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Christian needs a hug, Hungarian GP, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda depressing, M/M, Pre-Slash, Sebastian needs a hug, and the future of sebastian, me dealing with quali
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25529485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dutchiedragon/pseuds/Dutchiedragon
Summary: Hungary. Saturday. One hour after qualifying. The rain has come, the track is empty and for Red Bull there is not much else to do than lick their wounds and try to build a better car overnight. Christian feels unable to help in any meaningful way and that brings back memories. And regret. He finds himself walking to a familiar motorhome, if he can't save this race, he can at least save this.
Relationships: Christian Horner/Sebastian Vettel
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	This silence speaks about regret

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this is late, but I just remembered I wrote this after quali last weekend. This is me shamelessly trying to deal with that clusterfuck while also trying really hard not to panic about Seb's future.  
> Didn't succeed at both.  
> But here we are.  
> Writing for a super small ship, but I desperately wanted to create something like this. (Might have watched too many old interviews with Christian and Seb and there's love there and no you can't convince me otherwise). 
> 
> Every little comment, kudo and criticism is welcome!

Saturday night, Hungary. The grey of the tarmac of the Hungaroring melted into the darker grey of the sky above it until the view that was so beautiful with sunlight dancing over the hills and the city was nothing but a mere memory of better times. The silence that was left after qualifying was louder than the roar of Formula One engines had been only an hour before. And not even the now constantly falling rain could push aside the overwhelming quiet.

Christian walked through the empty pit lane, towards the empty paddock. The absence of people should probably feel less extreme in these times of racing during a global pandemic, but it took way longer than expected to get used to it. No journalists, fans, and VIP’s crowding the area’s around the circuit, nobody was there to distract him, and that bothered him, even though today, it did fit the mood. He walked the way he had walked already countless times during the busy Saturday, lost in his thoughts, crushed by the silence and happy about the rain. Quali had been almost entirely dry, but he didn’t even know if it had made a difference if the rain had started earlier. Probably not. The car simply wasn’t good enough. _He_ wasn’t good enough and there was so little he could do about it before tomorrow that he couldn’t say for sure that all the cold water drops running down his face were rain. He was thankful for the grey sky, for the weather giving him an excuse for the dark thoughts clouding his head. Sunny skies would have felt like a betrayal.

He had felt Max’s disappointment deeper than he was ready to analyze at the moment. He had seen the hurt in Alex’s eyes and part of him even admired the way George had stood up for his driver. That probably should have been his job, come to think about it, but he wasn’t doing his job at all. What he was doing could, even with the best intentions, not be described as anything but running away. There was no clear goal, no real directions, he was merely retracing the steps he had walked before in the idle hope they wouldn’t lead him to where he had been before. There was nothing here for him to do and he felt as if the emptiness of the otherwise buzzing circuit only amplified the hollow feeling in his chest. What kind of team boss leaves when it gets tough? That was the question it all came back to. And fhe answer that he feared more than the upcoming race. Because this wasn’t who he was meant to be. He was never meant to be this meaningless. It didn't help that when he looked at the day rationally he had to acknowledge that these spiraling thoughts weren’t entirely fair. There simply was nothing left to do for him right now. No orders to give, no people to scold. He wasn’t even needed to speak empty words of comfort to mend broken dreams and worried minds. Everybody had someone for that already. Max had his trainer and his former teammate and it was clear that Alex didn’t need anyone with friends like George and Lando. The mechanics he had pushed to their limits in the past few days and weeks had each other and he wouldn’t blame them if he was the last person on earth they wanted to see now, let alone share their tiredness and anger with.

What was there left to say? Part of him still waited for someone to bring it up because he remembered painstakingly clear that he had told that godforsaken Netflix show that 2020 would be a phenomenal year for Formula One. That he had meant to say that 2020 would be _his_ year. A new future he had carefully planned out, a new beginning, a way back to glory, and finally an end to Mercedes’ dominance on track. What a fool to have thought that. What a fool he had been. 

The person he might be running away from the most however wasn't a driver, a mechanic or a waiting journalist ready to pounce on that one small comment. He was running the hardest from the man that had made him who he was within the team. Christian knew Helmut could be harsh sometimes, you had to be in this world. Heavens know he could be quite tough to deal with when it was needed to benefit the team. But he dared to say that no matter what he said in the midst of the fight, in the heat of the moment, he had always cared about his drivers, about his people, no matter what the media liked to portray him as. He wasn’t sure anymore that Helmut's brain was wired the same though, if the man was even capable of feeling something for someone if it wasn’t driven by profit or professional need. Christian had become quite good at putting that particular train of thought on hold on normal days, not ready to deal with the consequences that certain analysis could possibly have, but it seemed like the rain washed away the carefully drawn lines he normally never crossed.

What was there left to say? And if he didn’t have a clue where to start looking for an answer, who knew the way out of this mess? It had always been him, finding little bits of hope, of courage, of sheer dumb luck. The team, himself, they wouldn’t have made it this far without that focus, without that determination that earned him the respect of almost everyone that he dealt with in this funny business. But right now nothing worked and for the first time since the last time he had won a championship, he didn’t find the will to fight. It was gone, washed away with the rain, lost on the track, stripped away as the rubber on the worn-out tires. The world could disappear, the lights could go out, the grey could take over permanently and Christian wasn’t sure he would care at all. He felt as if that should probably frighten him, but fear was a stranger and couldn’t penetrate the hollow feeling in his heart. 

As the rain soaked his clothes, plastered his hair to his head the tears he could no longer ignore were a strange source of comfort. At least he did feel something. Maybe this was what he deserved, maybe this was destiny. What a shitty place to end up at. What a shitty way to feel. Maybe he should just keep on walking, maybe he should disappear, because the world was going nowhere and the rain was still pouring down. To walk away and never look back, what a glorious prospect. What a beautiful dream. And if he walked far enough, fast enough they would all forget about him and he could forget the hurt on Alex’s face, the disappointment in Max's eyes. And the betrayal in Sebastian's.

Sebastian.

Golden boy Sebastian.

Despite everything, the rain, the grey, the darkness, Christian laughed out loud. ‘It always comes back to you, doesn’t it?’ He whispered into the rain, trying desperately to hold back the scream that was threatening to follow that desperate question.

And suddenly he knew walking away had never been an option. He might not have any will left to fight and his pride lay somewhere forgotten in the pit lane, but he had promised himself long ago that he wouldn’t live to regret things. And as the rain painted the picture before him on the asphalt he realized he would lie if he said right now there was nothing he regretted. A bit ashamed he acknowledged that it had nothing to do with the current team, his drivers, his position, or even the recent races. If he was completely honest there was only one thing he regretted more than anything, he had let Sebastian go. And with the little bit of stubbornness that was still in his heart, he decided that he refused to live with that. It might be too late to change this year’s car and the season, but he could try to make this right. He should. 

A sudden sense of direction fell over him as he looked for the bright red motorhome somewhere close to the other end of the paddock. The rain was still falling, but he wiped the tears away, a single purpose in his mind even though a plan was missing. But diving headfirst into impossible situations hadn’t become his trademark for nothing. To hell with it all, he knew exactly what to do. In abstract. For the first time today he was ready to jump in without thinking and trust the outcome. He could always walk away afterwards. 

-

Standing there before that door with the so familiar yellow number five on it he remembered he had been here before today. Just this morning, before everything went even more to hell, Helmut and him, still eager and full of hope had run into Sebastian. They had talked, the three of them, for a few awkward moments and looking back it was another perfect example of their differences. Helmut, always the businessman. And himself. Because what had he been? He had asked Seb is he was okay and he had heard the lie that was the answer. He was a coward, it was the only description that did him justice. But everything was different now, there was nothing left to lose. If the rain, the emptiness of the track and the darkness in his heart had learnt him one thing today it was that in the end there was more than this. More than this crazy life, this circus they all dutifully played their roles in. And he wouldn’t give up on the only man that had ever given him a glimpse of what could be outside of this. 

He knocked on the ugly red door, hating the color a little bit more every day. When he heard noises inside, he shook his head quickly, combing his fingers through his short hair, trying to get at least some water out of it. After what felt like hours the door opened, the red disappeared and made way for the brightest color he had ever laid eyes on. There was Sebastian. His golden boy. Warm and dry and dressed in an old Red Bull hoodie. It was enough to bring back the tears. He stood there, hands in his pockets, rain-drenched clothes clinging to his cold body as he answered the unspoken question in Sebastian’s eyes with the only world he could speak, the only thing he still had left to say, the only word that would never be enough.

‘Sorry’. 

It was as if that small one-word apology lifted the silence that had fallen over the track after the last cars had been put into the garage and there was no stopping the words now that fell from his mouth and tumbled to the floor between them. There was no stopping the things he had to say right in this moment, not even when Sebastian stepped aside to let him in, worry in his kind eyes, clearly not caring about the mess he was making, not even when he sat down on the couch in the same ugly red color.

‘Sebastian. Sebastian’. The name felt so familiar and still so nice to say. ‘Sebastian, I’m sorry. It will never be enough, I know that, but I am. Really, truly sorry. I miss you. So much. If I had to choose between winning the championship this year and having you with me again, happy and safe, I would probably need to go looking for a new job. I would sacrifice all the race wins, all the chances at Max breaking your old record, if it could bring you back to me. Selfish right, but god damn it, I’ve always put the team first, but I can’t do that when it comes to you. I never really could. I didn’t want you to leave. And I know this is Formula One and things shouldn’t be personal and I care too much, I know that too, even when the media seems convinced I’m incapable of caring about my drivers. But I do care. Most of all for you. It has never been the same without you Seb and that’s not because of the new people, the balance that completely fell away between Helmut, Dietrich and me. It’s not because of the new motor, the new cars. It’s because of you. It has always been you.’ He knew he was rambling and he prayed to all the gods he wasn’t really sure he believed in that Sebastian would at least be able to pick up the meaning. Sebastian didn’t say anything, but he kept looking at Christian and Christian couldn’t take those kind eyes, kindness was the last thing he deserved. He buried his face in his hands, pushed them into his eyes until everything was black and the tears couldn’t escape. Embarrassed to break down like this, yet unable to do anything other than cry silently, shivering from the exhaustion of the day and the cold wetness that was clinging to him. 

He never saw Sebastian walk over to him, he only felt the couch dip under the extra weight as he sat beside him. And then there were arms around him, pulling him in, holding him tight and he couldn’t remember how he had ever thought he could live without this. He turned towards the familiar smell of his former driver, drowning in it yet being able to breathe for the first time today. Still unable to really comprehend the reality of it all. But here, safe in the arms of that golden man he could finally let go of everything that held him down and begin building another future. In which he would never feel so meaningless again.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is it! Thanks for making it to here. Unbelievable that this is my first work here. Might be back.


End file.
